Comments and criticisms please?

Comments and criticisms please? Topic: Comments and criticisms please?
June 18, 2019 / By Addy
Question: It's a short story for a University Creative Writing class where we were told to find a picture online and then write a short story about it. The picture I'm using is this one: http://i749.photobucket.com/albums/xx132... And the quote it says on it is "All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it" Here's the short story: I remember my neighbor's dog. It was a yappy little thing that would spend most days hovering at the fence, waiting for something interesting enough to bark at. Another dog, a squirrel, a dragonfly – whichever caught his attention first. Whenever I walked outside, there he was staring longingly at me through the fence. He always had this dopey smile on his face, his eyes bright and hopeful, waiting for a glance or a nod that would start up another round of that loud, ecstatic barking. On this day, I remember walking outside to no usual yappy greeting. I looked through the fence and saw the little runt standing in the flower garden, seemingly enticed by the new blooms. He was staring at a large tiger lily. I wondered what exactly he saw– perhaps a strange new acquaintance, or maybe just a peculiar smelling blossom. Eventually a dragonfly flitted across his path and his face broke into his normal grin as he sauntered away in its wake. He was gone later that afternoon. After a few days of wondering if my yappy little friend had perhaps moved on, I saw him there at the fence. He had a cone on his head and a long scar down his abdomen. Later I would learn that he had needed surgery to correct a twisted stomach. Despite the distress he must of felt, he never lost his stride. In fact, here he was, smiling and happy and staring at me. I walked to the fence and stuck my fingers through, scratching his chin that was framed in the cone. His eyes closed but his mouth stayed open in a funny little smirk. I thought back to two years prior when I had needed surgery to remove my gallbladder – I stayed in bed for a week, doped on painkillers and whining to anyone who could stand me. Someone had brought me a bouquet of tiger lilies and I remember thinking that I would have preferred the sweeter smell of roses to the pungent one of the lilies. I withdrew my hand from the fence and that buoyant little pup stared up at me with a heartbroken look in his eyes: Was it pity? I frowned at him and the little guy flashed me one last toothy grin and then ambled off, tripping over his cone, to the garden of lilies. He settled down in them, the itchy pollen falling on his face and back, and he lay there grinning until the sun went down. ______________________________________ Please comment and offer any suggestions or changes. I have to read it out loud in class on Friday for "peer editing" so any help is good. Or even another whole new idea to write about. I was thinking a picture of war or something and writing from the woman's point of view in the war, but I don't know. Any ideas/comments are VERY appreciated! Thank you!
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Best Answers: Comments and criticisms please?

Tanner Tanner | 6 days ago
Cute Pic!!! Are you a high school student or college or beyond? Just curious. For starters I wanted to commend you on writing and to keep at it! :) Revisions that I think would make your writing stronger (Completely up to you of course!!!) 1: First paragraph where you mention the squirrel's and or other dogs...I was a bit confused about what you were trying to convey here. I think you were trying to say that the dog waited for something exciting....if that was it, just move the words around a bit to make it flow. All your works need to flow. I was thinking that the word "Hovering" wasn't appropriate for the text...but if you love it keep it! LOL. You can take out the "there" and the "," its not needed, it flows better without the pause. Change "This" to "a" before the dopey face. His eyes "were" and hopeful. I think you should divide the part into another sentence because it seems like a run on. 2nd paragraph. You start off in the present tense...the following sentence is in the past tense. The first paragraph was past tense, its sooo hard to keep the tense consistant....I struggle with that most when i'm writing!! LOL. I would change the first sentence to not hearing the usual....what do you think? The rest of that paragraph is good...nice job! 3rd paragraph I think the first sentence should be condensed to "I saw him at the fence." Here he was...i think it sounds better as "there he was" What do you think? Here is in present tense. The smiling and happy needs a comma and take out the "and". :) The rest of that paragraph seems good...one tense issue for you to find :) Some of the words I wasn't sure if they fit and after a long day of college and caring for my 3 girls i'm to tired to look up the words for sure....I'm sure you know better then me on these words. You did a great job of creating a story off a picture! I hope I helped!
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Tanner Originally Answered: Girls making comments, getting on my nerves. What should I do?
First of all, kudos! You seem very sure of yourself for someone so young! Great job! Try talking to other authority figures at your school. That guidance counselor should be fired if they took the girl's side - they are supposed to be there to help you! Try looking for someone who might be more supportive - a teacher you trust, for example - who can fight on your behalf. Don't give up, and don't let them get away with that kind of behavior, it's not OK!
Tanner Originally Answered: Girls making comments, getting on my nerves. What should I do?
ignore her...if it gets worse tell her something, if it turns into a fight let her throw the first punch. then beat the crapp out of her. its best if she won't leave you alone, because it seems to me she is just not going to stop.

Peregrine Peregrine
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Lucas Lucas
Very good story. I like how it flows and it's easy to read. But one thing is that you used the word yappy too much. Try and use a different word.
👍 65 | 👎 -8

Lucas Originally Answered: Brief comments on my analytical essay? Thanks alot!?
I think you did a pretty good job. If you wanted to take it a step further, to maybe guarantee an A, instead of having the large variety of examples for every point you are making, maybe reference a single/or couple sentence quote from the book for one or two of your paragraphs, along with one or two examples that really captures your point.
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