Topic: Constructive Criticism? ?
June 24, 2019 / By Abiah Question:
The general idea is bored kids in a small town, they run away, looking for adventure. I've been working on this one for awhile, and this is just the very begining.
What do you think? There probably are a few gramatical errors, so feel free to point them out. Thanks for looking(:
I had been fourteen at the time, and it wasn’t really something that I had planned. At first, December 13th had been just another day. I’d woken up at 6:00, gotten ready, and walked the three blocks from my house to school. It was a tall, rust-colored, brick building that stood between the part of town that was suburban and the part that was the city. Fox Creek Senior high school was the only one in town, but unfortunately, nothing interesting ever happened there. Everyone just went about their business most times, not really caring about anyone else.
I walked up the concrete steps and spotted Tucker standing by the front doors.
“Hey,” he said, “Where were you last night?”
“My mom said she wanted to have a ‘family dinner’ and that I couldn’t go out, sorry bro,”
“Soph, you missed out.”
“Ha, what did you guys blow up?”
“We did nothing of the sort. But we did find this pretty cool tree house in the woods.”
Right then, Jake walked in the front gates and started strutting towards us.
“Sophie! We missed you yesterday,” he shouted across the schoolyard, “Did Tuck tell you about the fort we found?” He said as he got closer.
“Why are you guys getting all excited over a stupid tree house?” I asked critically.
“Well, it’s pretty much the coolest tree house ever.” Jake said, an air of defense in his voice.
I had known these guys almost all my life, and they had always been there for me. Whenever I hang out with them though, I don’t really consider them anything more then my best friends, but I’m not sure if the feeling is mutual. Once, when we were all six, Tucker had tried to kiss me. I’d slapped him, but Jake got pretty jealous. I guess they’re both pretty good looking. Tucker has chocolate colored hair and dark eyes. Jake is tall with dirty blonde hair, and amazing green eyes that you could stare into for hours. I mean, I could just sit there and gaze into them, like I was looking into a magic pool or something. Anyways, there were a couple of times over the years where I was closer to one of them then I was to the other, but overall, I loved them both equally
“Sophie,” Tucker said, “You have to see it befor you diss it. It's like, the most awesome thing ever.”
“Just chill, I’ll meet up with you guys at the front gate after school, alright?”
“Alright,” They said simultaneously
The first bell boomed and kids began to scatter.
“See you later,” I called to them as I walked towards homeroom.
“Later Soph,” Tucker called
“Later!” Jake shouted, walking backwards. He tripped over a loose slab of concrete, falling on his butt, and Tucker burst out laughing. I smiled to myself, and continued walking towards my class.
The first sentance is kind of messed up, When i first wrote it, I wanted to think up a really good hook, but i never got to it. Thanks guys, and I'll work on it
Shulammite | 1 day ago
You lack proper grammar. Try to incorporate parallelism, the beginning of your story will flow more easily. Also, you rushed the introduction of the relationship between Sophie and the boys by actually describing them so straightforwardly. The beginning of a story should be glimpse, not a show-and-tell. However, it's alright, notwithstanding your lack of a voice.
When you are doing the dialogue include what they are presently doing.
“Sophie,” Tucker said, “You have to see it before you diss it. It's like, the most awesome thing ever.” He looked at Jake and they both grinned ecstatically before turning back to me. Their hopeful eyes told me I wasn't going to win this argument.
“Just chill, I’ll meet up with you guys at the front gate after school, alright?” I hoped the look on my face left them satisfied that I would at least try to meet their joy with little to no sarcasm.
“Alright,” They said simultaneously
I like the casual attitude, it's refreshing after reading Jane Eyre for english... on to the point!
The first sentence makes it sound like
A) being fourteen is a bad thing
B) you hadn't planned on turning fourteen
There are a couple of spelling mistakes and some punkchewashun ((haha) JOKING) mistakes and such-like. But I'm assuming that it's just from typing this out.
But otherwise, it's sweet.
x. bella. good luck!
Good. You didn't just jump into the action, and set up a fairly good character base and also one for the relationship between the characters. I would tend to lean away from them all running away. Maybe Sophie starts to like Jake or Tucker and the other boy is upset and leaves. They spend some time trying to find him, etc. etc.
Oh and BTW feel free to email for more help, proof reading or anything at [email protected]
Well your first sentence makes it seem as though you said you didn't plan to be fourteen, but other than that its ok. Not great but not bad either.