How do you handle bad influences on your children and what should I do in this situation?
Topic: How do you handle bad influences on your children and what should I do in this situation?
June 27, 2019 / By Ashling Question:
My husband's little brother, Sean, is 11 years old. My 3 year old loves going to Grandma's house to play with him and visit with the family. They love having him over and it's great to have a place for him to stay when we are taking care of business that requires both of us.
But lately when my son comes home, he says things that lead me to believe that Sean (and actually, Grandma too) is beginning to be a bad influence on him. The last time he came back saying he "hated" this and that. I asked him where he heard that word and he said "Sean hates kids. Sean hates me." So I bring it up to Grandma and she asks Sean did he say that to my son. Of course he says no. He was defensive and denying it before she even fully asked him the question.
There are other things too, though. Like how he tends to tell me "NO!" more after he gets back from a visit. And he'll go over there liking pickles (for example) and come back telling me that they are "gross". Uncle Sean is a notoriously picky eater and Grandma always prepares 2 meals, one for the family and one for Sean, which I think is ridiculous.
As for Grandma also being a bad influence, she refuses to discipline him while he's there. We have a system where if he misbehaves or starts whining a lot, he goes to his room for a cool down. She won't even do that!
Plus, because she is scared of our large dog she's got him terrified of her too, telling him that the dog will bite him. The dog stays gated in the kitchen when she (the dog) and the kids are in the house at the same time. She is also gentle with them to the point that I will let my 18 month old daughter feed her. The reason she stays separated from them is because she is so big and even if she's playing, she could hurt them accidentally. But now he goes in to hysterics when I even walk the dog on a leash through the room he is in, even if she's not near him.
Whenever I bring up the subject with Grandma it's always "Well, kids are like that. There's nothing you can do. You'll learn in time." While I know she's got lots more experience raising children, none of hers have turned out very well. Her oldest is 26, unemployed, no vehicle, lives with her, and is unbelievably lazy. Her middle child (my husband) was in and out of trouble throughout his childhood, did terribly in school, she let him drop-out and go to home school where she did his homework for him, and stayed in trouble up until we got together and I told him I couldn't be with him if he was going to stay in trouble all the time. And now the youngest, Sean, got into trouble at school for calling his teachers bad names, has gone to "home school," has no chores or responsibilities, is disrespectful, and is allowed to do nothing but lay around all day playing video games, watching TV, and eating junk food. There are no rules in that household.
My son absolutely loves going over there. But I just don't see how I can allow him to stay there without one of us, knowing how she lets him get away with everything and how Sean has been influencing him.
Can anyone give me some advice??
"Hate" isn't that bad when it's used correctly. But in my opinion, a 3 year old shouldn't even know what hate is. What happens when he tells his sister or us (his parents) that he hates them? If he starts using the word to describe other things, it's sure to end up that way.
me: She is not an everyday babysitter. I stay home with my children during the week, and when Saturday rolls around he used to go spend time at Grandma's while Dad and I did maintenance around the house. But with him coming back acting this way, I don't even want him to go then.
Oh, and apparently Britannia Boy doesn't understand what an example is or that children shouldn't be allowed to do certain things (like hit, kick and spit) regardless of the caregiver.
Violet: THANK YOU! Finally an answer that makes a little sense. By the way, the dog stays at our house and my son goes to theirs, so Grandma is never subject to being around the dog. But she has seen the dog and is terrified of her, so she has been telling my son that the dog will bit him if he gets close to her.
Best Answers: How do you handle bad influences on your children and what should I do in this situation?
Zibeon | 4 days ago
I know what you're dealing with. I'm not a mother myself, but I have five younger siblings, who've all gotten into lots of trouble all on their own. (understandably)
What I would do is (after all, it's your kid you should worry more about, not your mother-in-law or Sean) I wouldn't let him go over there without you directly being there with him, were you can moderate what he's exposed to, and I would punish him for any misbehavior he shows at both your grandmother's house and home. I know how harsh this seems, but a short, boring, no-talking-no-toy time-out or small swat on the dipper (or pull-up. Trust me, they don't feel it if they have dippers or pull-ups on, so don't swat them if they don't. They just find it a bit personal, and it will teach him to do what you say in later, more rebellious years) will teach him what's right and what's wrong. All through his life, your son is going to be exposed and taught things from others that are inappropriate and just plain wrong, from anywhere to TV to just watching other kids in the store or in the streets. Your son is in the age of curiosity, learning, and imitating, so be very careful what he does, sees, or hears. Also, as for Sean, I don't think there's anything you can do about him if talking just isn't working. (although, trying one last time can't hurt. The more serious and less uncomfortable you talk, the more -all kids are different though, so don't take this to heart- he'll be likely to listen)
'The reason she stays separated from them is because she is so big and even if see's playing, she could hurt them accidentally.'- My family and I all share four dogs, two of which are almost bigger then half the lil' kids. The best thing to do is ask your Grandmother not to tell your son anything negative about the dog. (if you're there with him while with your grandmother, it'll be a lot easier to be sure she doesn't, but as he is your son, you diffidently have the right to tell your grandmother not to tell him things you don't want him to know, and I'm sure she'll respect that) Also, to get your son to trust the dog again, (or else he might grow up hating or fearing dogs) calm down the dog first, sit her down, and gently ask your son to pet or hug her. Especially to give her treats, kids love doing that, even at a young age!
I hope this helps; sorry about how long it is!
👍 96 | 👎 4
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Originally Answered: Is he depressed? I don't know how to handle this situation anymore.?
Sounds like he needs to be around other people more often than he is now. Perhaps, meeting new people in your new home town would help? I agree with you about the ride over and the anguish he put you through, but it sounds like he offered you more of his emotions or feelings when he had spent time with others during dinner. As far as a direct apology from him for his behavior - he may or may not. Does he usually apologize after fights or is this just typical of him? Good luck. I really think this can be taken care of and you two will have fun doing it.
It's common for younger kids to be influenced by older family members. Your son and Sean are at the prime ages for this - Sean probably loves your son's attention and imitation. They're like a big brother and a little brother. I think telling your son he hates him was wrong, but I would not be too concerned about the picky eating. Just because grandma prepares two meals doesn't mean you have to.
Grandma does have the right not to use your system of discipline, as long as she stays in control and no one is doing anything dangerous or inappropriate. She also has the right not to have your dog around when she's there. Not everyone loves dogs, especially big active dogs.
It sounds like Grandma's style is not wrong; it's just different. Kids get used to different styles and different sets of rules at other people's houses. I would also guess that Sean's influence on your son's tastes will diminish. But if you aren't comfortable with their style, you have a choice. Don't leave your son alone with them.
👍 30 | 👎 -3
If its such a problem find them a new sitter, they can see grandma on the weekends. I mean is grandma being paid? You knew how she was before you left your kids with her, because you said so many things about her own children. Either she watches them or she doesnt because grandma is not going to change! Can't complain about a free sitter... or else you would have already had those kids at another sitter if the problem was that bad.
👍 27 | 👎 -10
"hate" isn't bad but guess the rest is but i would just not take him to grandmas house and talk to the Other kids parents.
👍 24 | 👎 -17
Grandmothers do not punish their grandchildren, they fill them to the brim with tea and cake. They run about the park for hours, create inordanant amounts of mess doing any number of creative arts. And generally have a good old time.
People don't like eating things, especially if they find them disgusting. And you, you moody old mare, are intent upon forcing pickles down your child out of some inane power battle with an eleven year old child. I think it is you that needs to be disciplined, it is you that needs to be demeaned for not eating plate fulls of vile food you would not want to touch with a barge pole. And pickles? Pickles aren't food! Pickles are savoury snacks that drunken "buddies" in american sitcoms scoff whilst they are watching "the game".
What kind of awful person are you?
Honestly, you need to take up some sort of sociale activity.
👍 21 | 👎 -24