Topic: Why do I hate my dad when other stories are so much worse than mine?
June 27, 2019 / By Ash Question:
My dad isn't an alcoholic, a drug addict, or abusive, but I just hate him... I feel really guilty doing so, but I hate him. Please don't be negative, I feel guilty.
He's controlling, rude, and selfish. He only thinks about himself. He's a huge hypocrite. Then, the day after our fights, he acts affectionate. He tries to hug me in public, and this sounds mean but 1. I'm not a touchy feely person with anyone 2. I'm a slight germaphobe, legit, and 3. I just feel uncomfortable.
Whenever he's mean to my siblings, yelling at them and acting like they're the stupidest people in the world to take a shower at that time (or something stupid like that that's not that big of a deal) and I try to defend them, he gets mad. I've tried different ways, eloquently like, "You're being very rude", using logic, "Mom told her to shower now, so it's ok", rude "Stop yelling at her, you're being a jerk! We all make mistakes; she didn't know you didn't want her to shower!" Ok, so maybe that wasn't eloquently, but still. No matter how I try to help my siblings out, he yells at me instead, when I'm just trying to be nice to them.
He finds fault in everything we do, and instead of constructive critisizm, he's a jerk about it. For example, the other day he yanked a cup out of my sister's hand and said, "You can't put that cup on that side of the dishwasher, it doesn't go there!" And he says it meanly, and with a sneer. For another example, my mom would say, "What are you reading?", curiously, and my dad would say, "What ARE you reading?" as if it's probably something stupid.
He doesn't know anything about me. I've always wanted a father that I could be close with, the one that would teach me how to catch and answer questions I don't want to ask my mom. But he's not close to me. He's not an easy conversationalist, and he simply doesn't have anything in common with me. He walks in when I'm watching TV, he says "Change the channel, that is the stupidest crap to ever be on television." Also, he didn't know I had braces. (I have to get braces again so he was yelling at me to do my homework, over the four day weekend. And I said I still had 3 more days to do it, so I said I had time (and I'm a reliable student). He was like, it doesn't take 10 seconds to get braces! And that's where I said, I know that I've had them before! And he said, "No you HAVEN'T" As if he would know my experience better than me. It's irritating.) What kind of dad forgets that his daughter had braces? Is that stupid for me to care about that and similar things?
He also NEVER listens, and this is one of the biggest problems. Someone will ask something, and receive the answer, and then 1 minute later, he asks the same question! This is my number 1 pet peeve EVER, and this is how he is all the time. Whenever he's home, he's on the computer a lot, and my mom will try to talk to him to tell him something, and 2 minutes into it he'll look up, and say What? It's so disrespectful, and it's irritating that we always have to repeat ourselves. Also, it seems like he doesn't care. I think he really doesn't care.
Am I a terrible person? I feel terrible. But the overwhelming sense of hate is unshakable. I feel so guilty about it and when he dies I'm going to regret not liking him more, I think. But is it changeable? I feel like our personalities clash. I really do try to like him, but it always ends in a fight. There are brief moods that happen once in a blue moon, like 3 times a year or less where he's not the perfect father, but his personality is one that I could get along with. But it always leaves. I know a lot of others hate their dads, but mine isn't a druggie, alcoholic, abusive, cheating... The only thing wrong with him is he's depressed (the Dr said so, not just oh he’s “depressed") and he doesn't have a job. I guess that makes him feel pretty sucky but WHY does he take it out on us? Or is that what it is? He's not much of a swearer either, I mean he swears but not at us. He called me stupid, which is SERIOUS in my family because the kids and parents don't call each other names or insult each other, the kids insult the other kids but the parents aren't involved in that. He makes me feel bad about myself, angry at his actions, self-pitying like what did I do to deserve this, and then all on top of it guilty for disliking him SO strongly.
Zeph | 9 days ago
This is a very sad account. I had a neglectful Dad too. He shouted at me and called me stupid when I was growing up. He passed away many years ago, but I still remember the sad non-relationship that I had with my Dad. We all feel let down by our parents because they have had such a huge role in our lives. We had to depend on our parents for survival, when we were born, and we had no choice but to trust our parents. If it's any help for me to tell you this, try to take a balanced view and ask yourself what you would want in a relationship with your Dad. If you can think of something positive, try and catch him at a good time, and be honest and tell him what you would really like to have happen. He might listen to you. If you give yourself the chance to talk to him, then he might give himself the chance to pay attention to you and answer you seriously. You might actually find that you love him after all. You probably don't really hate your Dad, it's just that the love between you has been blocked for a long time.
Do this while you have the chance. You will thank yourself in the future.
Maybe you should have mentioned the unemployed part atthe start. Was he always like this or started behaving this way after he lost his job or his behavior exaggerated after it? In any case, it seems like he is getting depressedand restlessness because of not having any job. Well, on that front, you can only hope that he gets a job soon. But meanwhile, engage him with you guys. He can play basketball with all you kids or help you out with homework. Some men just tend to have very irritable personality. I know my dad is the same. He is very critical and he will find fault with everyday. He just wouldn't stop speaking. Why is window not open, where did you keep your glass, why are you not drinking enough water, etc, etc. Just ignore it and I'm sure he will improve once he gets a job :)
Controlling, rude and selfish are forms of mental abuse and can be worse or as bad as physical abuse. As to why do you feel this way compared to others with worse stories? It is because it is YOUR story. Only you know what it is like to deal with this. You are in pain and trying to survive mental abuse. Some people are not interested in good communication with others and distance themselves by constantly pushing people away with things such as you describe. I think it is a form of self hatred on his part but really, who knows?
You are not terrible, you just want to survive, and you want a normal father. It is possible he has some kind of mental condition but if he is how I think he is then he would never in a million years admit anything could be wrong with him. If you go to any kind of school see if you can talk to a counselor. Colleges might offer free counseling and high schools usually have one. If you are a teen you can also use this free 24 hour hotline and talk to a trained counselor. No charges for it at all, not even the phone call. Keep it handy cuz it sounds like you will need someone to talk to often. God bless you.
Boys Town Teen National Hotline for all teens
(can be checked by googling it)
You have every right to dislike anyone you want. Including your father, even if he isn't as bad as some. Because this bothers YOU, and not because compared to some he's alright. From what I've read, your personalities DO clash, and that isn't anything bad. Kids aren't supposed to be clones of their parents, they build up their own personalities without the help of parents anyway. It's okay to dislike him(I take the word hate very strongly so that's why I'm not using it :) ) you can feel however you want about him. Just try not to pick fights. Try to stay strong, you'll be out of the house in no time :)
This sounds exactly like my dad. My dad is the rudest person in the world, and he can be physically aggressive. Once, I got in trouble for spilling water on my own shirt leading into an argument and he punched my shoulder,twice. I feel like you just wrote a whole description of my dad. I don't think you hate him, you just despise him a lot. I know I love my dad despite all the pain he put me through, but I can't wait to get out of the house and grow up because of the way he makes me feel. I think you should just deal with your dad as best as you can, unless you feel like he's being abusive. My dad is somewhat abusive in definition, but I don't tell anyone because no one will understand, and he's not dangerous- he's just bad tempered, I guess. I don't know if that's the case with your dad, but if you feel like he's truly a person you should get away from, tell someone. I feel you. I wish my dad was someone I could look up to also. I wish you the best, and sorry if I didn't help.